Begin here. Your relationship is worth it.
Start with the Couple Health Assessment — it takes less than 5 minutes and will show you exactly where you are and what to focus on first. Then work through the tools in order, at your own pace.
A path, not just a toolkit
These tools work best in sequence. Start with awareness, build toward repair. You don't have to do everything at once — one honest conversation changes the temperature of a relationship.
Step 1 · See the Cycle
Identify the negative pattern you're both caught in — not each other as the enemy, but the cycle itself.
Step 2 · Know Each Other
Build your Love Map — a living, updated picture of your partner's inner world, stresses, and dreams.
Step 3 · Be Vulnerable
Examine the stories you tell yourself, the armor you wear, and the courage it takes to stay open.
Step 4 · Break the Patterns
Recognize the Four Horsemen in your own communication — and practice their antidotes.
Step 5 · Rebuild Trust
Trust is built in small moments. Identify the sliding door moments and re-choose connection.
Step 6 · Repair & Forgive
A structured six-step forgiveness conversation to process hurt and begin again — together.
Step 7 · Resolve Conflicts
A step-by-step blueprint for navigating hard conversations with listening, validation, and compromise.
Step 8 · Stay Connected
A weekly meeting ritual to clear the air, express needs, and choose each other again and again.
Do the work, together
Use these individually or as a couple. Your answers stay only in your browser — nothing is stored or transmitted. Print to PDF when done.
Identifying Our Negative Cycle
EFT research shows that most relationship conflict is not about the content of an argument — it's about attachment insecurity. The negative cycle is what you're both fighting against. Seeing it clearly is the beginning of change.
"When I feel disconnected or distant from you, I tend to…"
"What are my triggers — the moments that alert me to distance or disconnection?"
"Underneath that behavior, what I'm actually feeling is…" (the deeper, softer emotion)
"What I tell myself about my partner when we're in the cycle is…"
"What I really need from you in those moments is…"
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Love Maps: Know Me Deeply
Gottman's research shows that couples with rich, updated "Love Maps" — detailed knowledge of each other's inner lives — navigate stress and conflict far more successfully. Answer individually, then share with curiosity.
Communication & Conflict
Gottman identified four communication patterns that reliably predict relationship breakdown. For each behavior below, tick the box if you use or have used it, describe how it shows up for you, then write three phrases you can practice to use the antidote instead.
| When communicating with my partner I use / have used… | Describe how you have used this behavior in the past | What are some phrases or strategies you can use to incorporate the antidote in the future? |
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Part 2 — Conflict Blueprint: Use this during or after a hard conversation.
Before You Begin — Mindfulness Moment
Both partners take 3 deep breaths. Set an intention together: "My goal is to understand, not to win."
Speaker: "I feel… [emotion] when… [situation]. I need… [positive need]."
Trust & Mistrust: The Sliding Door Moments
Gottman teaches that trust isn't built in grand gestures — it's built (or eroded) in tiny "Sliding Door Moments": the moment you choose to turn toward your partner or turn away. Repair matters more than perfection.
Trust-Building Check-In — how often does this actually happen?
| Trust-Building Behavior | Happening Often? | How can we improve? |
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"Something I need more of to feel emotionally safe with you is…"
The Forgiveness Conversation
Research shows that the ability to repair is the strongest predictor of long-term connection. Forgiveness is a choice — not a feeling. Use this when you both feel calm enough (neither partner above a 6 on a 10-point activation scale).
Common Ineffective Apologies — Do any of these sound familiar?
- "I'm sorry you feel this way."
- "Fine… I'm sorry." (dismissive)
- "Well, maybe I did that, but…" (the but-sorry)
- "I'll apologize if you apologize."
- "It's always my fault." (self-pity, not accountability)
- "Saying sorry doesn't matter — you have to change."
Rate yourself before starting:
The Four Horsemen & Their Antidotes
Gottman identified four communication patterns that reliably predict relationship breakdown. The antidotes are learnable skills. This worksheet asks you to look honestly at yourself — not your partner.
Criticism
Attacking character rather than behavior. "You always…" "You're such a…" Focus on perceived personal flaws, not changeable actions. Often met with defensiveness.
Contempt
Eye-rolling, mockery, superiority, sarcasm, putdowns. Acting superior. The single strongest predictor of relationship failure in Gottman's research.
Defensiveness
Making excuses, counter-attacking, shifting blame, refusing to accept feedback. Signals "I'm not responsible for this."
Stonewalling
Shutting down, going blank, emotional withdrawal during important discussions. Often a response to physiological flooding (heart rate over 100 BPM).
- Criticism — How it looks for me:
- Contempt — How it looks for me:
- Defensiveness — How it looks for me:
- Stonewalling — How it looks for me:
The stories we tell ourselves
Brené Brown's research in The Call to Courage shows that vulnerability is not weakness — it is the birthplace of love, belonging, and trust. But when we feel disconnected, our brains immediately make up a story. Learning to recognize that story, and to get curious about it rather than certain, changes everything in a relationship.
Vulnerability, Courage & The Stories We Make Up
Use this reflection individually first, then share. Be honest about the armor you wear — the ways you self-protect that might also keep love out.
"The most recent time I felt hurt or disconnected in our relationship, the story I told myself was…"
"Is there any real data to support that story? Or am I making assumptions to fill in the gaps?"
"What is the most charitable and true story I could tell about my partner's behavior in that moment?"
- I get sarcastic or funny when things get hard
- I go quiet and shut down instead of speaking up
- I get busy and productive to avoid feeling
- I get angry rather than show that I'm hurt
- I become critical or controlling when I'm scared
- I people-please and lose myself to keep the peace
- I intellectualize or explain rather than feel
- I assume the worst to protect myself from disappointment
"Something vulnerable I've been afraid to tell you is…"
"The brave thing I want to ask for — but haven't — is…"
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Couple Health Assessment Worksheet
Use this worksheet three times: before starting, at Week 6, and at Week 12.
Rate each item from 1 (Strongly Disagree) to 5 (Strongly Agree).
| Question | Week 1 | Week 6 | Week 12 |
|---|---|---|---|
| I feel safe being open and vulnerable with my partner. | |||
| We can disagree or argue without attacking or belittling each other. | |||
| My partner listens to me with understanding and without judgment. | |||
| We regularly notice and express appreciation for each other. | |||
| When I reach out for connection, my partner usually responds. | |||
| We are able to repair and recover fairly quickly after conflict. | |||
| We talk openly about physical and sexual needs and nurture affection. | |||
| We actively support and encourage each other's personal dreams. | |||
| We share a sense of vision, values, or purpose for our life together. | |||
| I can count on my partner to follow through on what they say. | |||
| We create and maintain meaningful rituals or routines together. | |||
| We can laugh, play, and enjoy each other's company. | |||
| Total Score | — | — | — |
Scoring Guide
Strong foundation — keep deepening connection.
Growth zone — solid relationship, but some areas need more focus.
Vulnerable zone — intentional practice is essential.
High risk — consider professional support alongside this workbook.
All responses stay in your browser only. Nothing is stored or sent.
One hour that changes the week
Gottman recommends a structured weekly check-in — not to resolve everything, but to stay emotionally current with each other. Choose a day, a time, and a place. Make it a ritual.
Our Weekly Meeting
You've Made Progress.
Don't Stop Here.
If these conversations are helping, imagine what could change with the right support.
Without guidance, it's easy to slip back into old patterns — the same fights, the same shutdown, the same distance.
You don't have to do this alone.
Real change happens when you have a safe place to slow down, be heard, and learn a new way forward.
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